I could have solidly contributed to kids’ lives, even in a system that doesn’t accommodate different needs as well as it should.  Since it is unacceptable that any child should be left behind, our schools and systems should per force take all kinds of children and then figure it out.  Ideal would be figure it out before, but hey, in a world that plays at being inclusive, I would take it in any order. (p.s.: Did you hear the Aadhar/UID higher up say they can’t be ‘too inclusive’?  What is THAT?!)

Have learned so much about education and systems and the need to match learning styles adequately (at least adequately!).  If the internet were more prevalent in my time, who knows what avenues would have opened up?  At the very least, I would have had enough evidence to present to support my position of making it to vet school.

Why is it that in India people stray into education?  It is still the preserve of people who think they can’t cut it any where else.  Yet, it is the toughest profession – this myth that it is the ideal job for a mother whose kids go to school; she can go with them to school and come back at the same time….this one needs to be bust big time.

When their children are sick, teachers are expected to be in school.  This is just like your having to do what it takes as a professional when you go to work.  If anything, this is more important….they have your childrens’ futures in their hands.  Commodities futures…not so important.  In my book at least.

Teacher work like dogs.  And I don’t mean dogs as either stay-at-home dogs or any disrespect….dogs rank up there in this household.  This is not a profession for those who just want to handle the logistics of being a stay at home mother without staying home.  There’s preparation, there’s correction, there’s the brain storming to do when someone isn’t getting it, it is in getting a class room to be disciplined with sensitivity and much more important – knowing each child at least adequately.  It is teacher, counselor, coach and parent rolled into one.  For several kids.  Many more kids than one would consider parenting.

So why is it that we have a crappy B.Ed degree for someone interested in qualifying as a teacher?  That degree honestly is not worth the paper it is written on.  One can study at home and pass an exam.  Without handling a class.  There’s little on pedagogy on the syllabus, not enough on age specific child development, little to no class observation…..it is completely inadequate.

The saving grace pre-RTE was that interested folk had a lower barrier of entry.  Yes, the ones who weren’t meant to be teachers were also let in….but there were some good ones.  Just like there are now.  But if this is the pool one has to pick from, you can’t even blame schools.

An article like this gives you the importance of teachers.  I don’t believe that the value of a teacher can be costed out in rupee anna paisa.  Yet, if that is what is needed, here it is.  Now may the mercenary (who shouldn’t be in the ‘business’ of education in any case!) awake to the need for good teacher training and attracting a pool of people interested in children and teaching in every school, conventional or not, inclusive or not!

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

I think I might have an answer.  Or am going to take this as one answer for today.  Remember ‘now’?

Was at a neighbour’s yesterday after going out to call son to come in after play.  He wanted to finish up the last 2 overs, so stepped into her place to plan something we were thinking of.  With the mosquies to worry about, I was chatting inside her foyer, door closed.

Son has walked past, not knowing I hadn’t gone back home.  He had gone home, rung the bell, got concerned when no one answered – Loopy answered him but couldn’t obviously open the door.  I heard him coming down and ran out.  And he says,”I know you won’t leave me and go, so I thought you were hurt and couldn’t open the door.  Then I thought I could go to M aunty’s and wait for you there and call….”

He had me at ‘I know you won’t leave me and go’ – this has been a recurrent theme in our household for years now.  He was very young when he articulated that he was scared that we would leave him and go.  Even walking down the stairs is easier for him if we are behind him versus before him.  A teeny detail that I would never have thought about.

So how do we know we’re heading in the right direction?  The kids shall tell us.

Off to bask in plants at Lal Bagh’s bi-annual plant sale.  Walking there on air!

Geninne’s Art Blog – check out the picture of her art table at night.  A friend forwarded this to me long, long ago.  For a long time, this was in my links.  I would open it and drool over the set up and enjoy feeling of creative just looking at the picture.  My favourite saying on accountants and creativity is that creative accountants go to jail.  So you know just by the fact of my location, I am not creative!  Yet, we lust and try to provide others with a space that encourages her interest.

After results like this collage of another favourite – the Rainbow Magic series, how can one not take the effort to clear out the guest room (which rarely sees guests staying over any more – the occasional friends, the once-in-a-few-years sister can still be accommodated comfortably!) to get her a lovely space?

A pine chest that had been our entertainment center in the US had to be cleaned out of its current junk….papers and folders and unopened mail, papers that should have been filed away.  The top was full of bags and kids’ school work from last year and just general junk.

The table has a nice corner by the window to occupy.  Another art table organized well gave some more ideas.  Some were hurriedly changed when something that cost $5 ended up closer to $70 at an Indian stationery store.  Cork boards were re-purposed and some fun was had shopping with daughter’s glee in mind.

The planned end result is a ledge with hooks to hang these colourful buckets, a caddy that screams Bunty Aur Bubli just perfectly, some curtain rings glued together for holding paintbrushes, a chart basket (a plastic dustbin covered up with newspaper), a set of drawers meant for spices now have beads, sequins and shiny supplies – voila, a space where her art books and supplies shall lie ready for inspiration to strike.

Son is not to be left behind – besides liking to make pictures, he has to feel it is fair (not, since he is not ready to do or maintain a lot of stuff she can…this is her thing like sports is his), has to be provided something to just keep out of her hair.  He loves to sit and colour, jabbering away when someone’s around…the company angle works.  She is his guru – she gives him ideas, shows him techniques, helps him by demo-ing on rough paper.  It is ideal brother-sister time, so long as there’s no tussle for the same resources.  If that is the case, the feeling of enthusiasm and well being lasts about 10 minutes, 15 minutes on a good day.  Duplicate resources, it shall have to be!

This mechanic’s table is his now for art.  He came to me some time ago and told me he thought the mechano stuff we have is too baby.  You know, the feeling of loss comes through in little things in his case.  He can’t give away stuff, finds it hard to make a choice because in taking one he has to let another go, has to cling to stuff above and beyond normal – this is vehement refusal to give away torn, beyond well-used t-shirt that he doesn’t even know he had.  This is a kid who will say no to new stuff because then he won’t use his old stuff as much any more.

Yes, all children deal with this to some degree – this is clearly above and beyond, can’t be written off as normal or even slightly above normal.  One more opportunity to coach and be flexible.  This can’t mean we’re chockful of junk, broken toys and stained clothes.  Clutter in the cupboard reflects mental clutter to me and often times a spring cleaned cupboard is a lighter mind.

A common resource cupboard is an old telephone table.

A bird consorts with a doll, waiting and watching.

Daugher no. 2 was a constant companion through all this – inspecting the collage….

before settling down to what I suspect might be a well used space of her own.

If at the end of my life, they think they had opportunity and space and grumble about the little stuff like my idiosyncrasies of going to Costa Coffee (they hire differently abled people and actually make process changes to accommodate them comfortably) versus another coffee shop nearby…I would consider myself successful.  Plus us ‘good’ (you make the creativity connection!) accountants need some fun and colour too.

Have a wonderful week.  May the colour gods favour you and yours with a surfeit of fun.

Parents: IHM and her husband

Sibling to: Her brother

Met by me: Never.  Sadly, meeting has been rendered impossible

Known through:  Awesome mother’s blog and her own awesome one

Birthday gifts: Stores of admiration, thoughts of what could have been (much as what ifs aren’t useful), prayers and lots of good vibes, happy tears on behalf of mother (who also I haven’t met, yes I’m weird that way)

Thoughts for the day: Life is beautiful and transient, carpe the diem like it will never be tomorrow – because it won’t, when you need reassurance and comfort and want to see what dignity can look like, IHM’s blog beckons.

Happy birthday, Tejaswee!  May your memories give your loved ones some comfort and a lot of joy.  One such as you should be remembered with smiles.

IHM, you’re a rockstar!

Have a wonderful weekend, you all!

- When a child gets an eye test and gets dilated with drops, they take longer to come out of it.  When a doctor asks you ‘do you have the time, shall we do it now?’, you need to know that it takes a minimum of 45 mins to 1.5 hours to just be done.  And that your child may not be able to read for almost a day and a half after.

- That certain eye drops can actually cause epilepsy.  Not an issue normally (with my heightened awareness, this seems to matter, even if my child is not prone to seizures) but if you know your child has a low epileptic threshold, then an eye test’s drops are significant!  I wouldn’t have connected the two!  Would you?

- That bad handwriting can be an indicator of less than appropriate fine motor skills.  It is okay to be cool about handwriting but if it looks like your child has pretty poor handwriting, it is important to check posture, grip of pencil, force used to write (if the impression is seen a few pages down, the child is trying too hard).  This is an easy fix with copy writing, some exercises that get a child to walk on a straight line with one foot directly in front of the other, hand strengthening exercises, etc.  It doesn’t have to be ‘work’ and can be fun – pottery together, writing together, etc.

- That working memory underlies all our work.  One of those things that you don’t value until you notice someone not having enough.  Son’s working memory is weak.  This means he forgets something on the way to doing it, if he sees something else that distracts.  Yes, children will be children and all but when it is more than a child being a child (taking age and gender into account….say what you will, boys are different!), intervention is required.  And possible and available.  There’s no one to tell you this though.

So when I get the ‘over’ parenting label this time, I shall welcome it with glee.  You see, it was this reading up and understanding that got me capable of asking useful questions.  This effort was required to request tests that are over and above regular norms.  Even doctors seem to do what it takes to keep parents in their comfortable zones of ‘denial’.  And when something gets found in this test – non-invasive but fricking difficult to get a child to go through as it required, my ‘over’ parenting soul is happy.  Not because it is about my ego getting satisfied in a ‘I said so’ way but because we might be closer to a solution for this little child who has gone through much more than most of us have in a lifetime.  And is still trying.  And enthu and interested in doing more, being there and working to excel.

What would you say of a child who started out with only one word a minute on a kid’s typing skills computer set up and got to 12 words a minute after working at it for 45 minutes?  He focused and worked away.  If it takes over-parenting to find him this avenue to improve more than just typing (attention, memory, focus, fine motor skills were targeted…otherwise why do kids need typing in any case?!), then it shall be ‘over’ until it gets to ‘balance’.

The point is always to find that balance between anxiety that hinders and help that actually helps.  At no point is ‘do nothing and chill’ in the face of an issue helpful.  Yes, seize the day, enjoy the moments, don’t get too caught up in the mechanics of it and the fears that paralyze but please, DO what is required.  That a child needs a boost now is nothing to be ashamed of…whether it is academics or physical ability or behaviour.  If they were perfect, they wouldn’t be children.  Or human.

The award’s rules are -

1. Nominate 15 Fellow Bloggers
2. Inform the Bloggers of their nomination
3. Share 7 random things about yourself
4. Thank the Blogger who nominated you
5. Add the Versatile Blog Award picture to your blog post

I see why I haven’t been awarded before – I might get a ‘fail’ mark on point 1.  Right away!  15 bloggers is tough.  Esp. when the few bloggers I know in this category have stopped blogging (and my repeated attempts to poke, prod and all are failing – Chox….grrrrr!).  But SnS, shall sincerely try to follow through, even if the one I nominate probably has done this before.

Seven random things about myself…a more ‘easy’ tough, this one is.  Tough because a lot is already out here?  No problem, we can do a refresher course.  Here goes:

1.  I love to dance.  You wouldn’t know it to see me – I have been told I come across as serious.  I can’t dance, wouldn’t be seeing any of those wedding videos with dance floors again of myself, am sure it is a lot of entertainment to others who actually do watch.  Yet, love it.  Don’t get to do it much in India, the weddings we go to (rarely) are the Tam/Kannada Brahmy boring affairs or receptions (almost blanket banned now!).  The wedding reception we went to yesterday with dancing and total masti was the exception.  We’ve decided daughter needs to marry a Goan guy and fingers are firmly crossed for the few decades she has in between to change her mind.  Can you say fun loving or can you?

2.  Am more sound than bite.  Will loudly protest, be more vocal but can end up doing some of the things that I have no serious objection to.  This seems to signify a ‘strong’ personality socially because they’ll see me arguing my point passionately but not the other side.  Plus in general a woman who speaks up has a few labels attached?

3.  I hate the post office.  Just hate the process of getting myself together enough to get the parcel together, go there and deal with the irritables, use that goo-gum that feels like @#.., fill in the forms and THEN get to drop into some black hole.  To be fair, the post office hasn’t done much to me (past all this) and all parcels originating from me and coming to me have reached their destinations in good shape.  The mail people are even nice and wave to me when they see me.  I still HATE this part.  And will do a lot to wiggle out of it, including feigning serious illness.

4.  I am a good packer.  I have good spatial skills and can figure out how to fit the stuff best in a space.  And have therefore packed a lot, including houses to send out of country.

5.  I lurk design/decor blogs and really admire people who can put things together artistically, aesthetically.  Love furniture.  Wooden furniture mostly.  Old is truly gold in this sphere.

6.  Have always named stuff.  From car to computer, they have names.  This convention has truly been taken stratospheric with puppy’s name – Loopy Maya Samarawardene Pintu (a few other rubbish names come attached but you think I am weird enough already!) is a rockstar!

7.  I never buy key chains.  As a matter of principle, I only use the ones my sister gives me.  And am not averse to begging her to buy me a few extras for when she’s not around and a key chain goes.  Will wait with the remnant steel ring until a new one gets to me.  It takes a bit of coordination – we have lived far from each other now for years.

That’s more than 7 random things, I am sure.  Thank you SnS for tagging me.  And those of you who think this is an over the top post – you can also thank SnS.

This award needs to go to R’s Mom.  I know she is versatile.  You know her too.  She’s probably been awarded/tagged before with this one (?) yet I can’t think of one more deserving.  I love her travel tales in Mumbai, her zest for life and food, her tales of mouth watering food, her experiments with food….no, no, this is not a food blog.   R and RD and RM and the blog they star in is one worthy of an award.  Take it away, R’s Mom!

Happy Pongal, people!

Have spent pretty much the last few weeks learning about children and their development.  I seriously should have gone to school for parenting.  Without exaggeration, it needs quasi degrees in medicine (general to start with and then specific segments….they’ll keep you guessing!), psychology, nutrition, Zen, education and if you have some time and mental space left over, you might consider picking up what was meant to be your profession, just so you are a person too (and all that junk!).  Honestly, accounting I picked up much easier and faster.  My own education and work were a walk in the park.  Those days of just getting myself up and ready to face and thrive in a world?  Cake walk!  If only I’d known that then and truly appreciated it!

So what have I learned that’s worthy of this level of build up?  Not much….except

- It is never too late to keep an eye on developmental milestones.  Much rather be a bit more hover’y’ than neglectful.  Found this useful, like Lego and would actually get some for my kids.  Just in gratitude (and because I loved playing with it at this age).

- Being engaged in a child’s academic evolution is a good thing.  Keeps you in the loop, keeps the kid’s interest at center and supplements what a system may be unable to consolidate for several reasons.  One reason being said kid.  And by the way, colouring within lines is not always something to scoff at as stifling creativity.  It builds fine motor skills, the same things required for writing….a good specimen of which is lauded.  The ability to colour between lines needs to be distinguished from being forced follow another’s idea of beauty.

- Figuring it all out is the biggest problem.  This is no math textbook that defines the problem, requiring only knowledge of the mechanics.  It is not even a business case study or a real life business situation that requires information and analysis/synthesis of information.  This is much more because one part of the problem is unable to communicate, doesn’t even figure it out even supposing communication is not an issue.  How about going blind into your office and then being the one who saves (or tries to, at least) the day?  Or week or gasp…one month?!

- Love is so not enough.  It needs all mental faculties in place and focused, it needs basic levels of trust and respect on all sides and it needs specific solutions.  Which are available and are the least of it….when you figure out what the problem is.  With love as only a major part of the base. And yes, I did dwell on the problem definition phase above.  This is emphasis added, my friends!

- There is a lot to be said for the theory of attachment.  People can quibble all they want in academic circles about the validity or strength of the theory it is built on and all that.  From everything I see, hear and really observe, trust is work in progress for a child who does not share a gene pool with us.  And seriously, if you don’t take some things on faith/belief/trust, some foundations can’t get built.

- There isn’t a blanket solution or diagnosis.  In the real world, we don’t have the luxury of defining a situation as a pure ‘XYZ’ situation.  In the real world of parenting, we’re really into complex variables.  For example, some combination of physical factors (allergies, adenoids – just to start at the ‘A’s to deficiencies and sleep issues) to a host of psychological and learning issues can be an out of hand situation.  No one can tell how much of which and which combination.  The good news is that taken in isolation (something to fall over in gratitude to academics for having defined pure situations!), everything has a solution.

- There’s just not enough time in the day for what is required to be done.  There also aren’t any arms or brain cells in excess supply.  This is mostly because emotions are involved.  About another person’s kid, I can be objective and clear too.

- People are not always nice.  For all that I tell son to trust more, I am telling myself to trust less.  Do your research, think of the overall picture to make the compromises that are inevitable, inform yourself and corroborate.  100% trust no more.  Because it is too painful to deal with the fall out, esp. if it is not on yourself but on others who look to you to be their advocates.

- Age appropriate independence is important.  But with concessions or adjustments for the child’s personal characteristics, history, background and strengths/weaknesses – whether adopted or not!  Independence for the sake of it (or worse bragging about one’s kid!) is over rated.

-  I love the internet.  Say what you will about reading up on it.  This is what has given me some sanity, a better idea of a bigger picture and a connection to other people who’ve been through kinda similar situations.  And worse.  Reading rocks at all levels – esp. when some parts of an unseen wheel have been invented for you.

- Working memory is a part of our memory that is required to remember instructions.  This is what helps us take on multi-step instructions over longer periods of time.  Everyone has it in varying levels.  Bad news, the lack of it is easily labeled as a conscious intention to irritate.  Good news, it is believed that the brain can be trained to improve low levels of working memory.  This is called neuroplasticity.  Or God’s blessing….depending on whether you come in from a rational point of view or a religious point of view.  Parents aren’t that picky at this level of desperation to quibble over points of view that are more likely labeled ‘simply thankful’!

- People get put in your way.  Assistance is close at hand, one only has to ask.  This is another reason I speak of it all to people.  It is a way to get things off my chest and to get information and help.  When one clears out some secrecy, there are a host of people who have been there, done it or are there, doing it, whatever ‘it’ ends up being.

- Kids aren’t too young to be taught the nuances between emotions – the ‘are you mad or are you really disappointed/jealous/frustrated/ashamed..” question helps.  They are also not too young to be taught to tell you what they’re thinking, esp. if they know you won’t like it or will disagree with it…strongly.  They are also never young enough to be taught ways to be on top of their emotions by breathing or yoga.  By the way, counting to 10 can sometimes mean a much stronger punch.  Just saying.

- That anything can be done when the mind is put to it.  Not to brag or anything but my rosemary chicken was lauded by meat-loving son as a ‘master piece’.  Even though he called store bought pav that too (husband slaved over stove for two from-scratch dishes and toasted pav – a ‘mister’piece?!)  Yeah, the grouse that he’s not getting enough non-vegetables in a predominantly vegetarian household was addressed with specific days when said non-vegetables would be made at home from scratch.  All my trying couldn’t eliminate the grimace at bloody raw materials…working on both getting better with (a more powerful?) grimace and better raw materials.  Obviously, anything’s possible!

So how was your week on the job, this week?  I didn’t start out trying to plug motherhood.  Good thing that – I realize this is a must read for people ____ enough to consider it.  I don’t mean to glorify it too much either.  This ‘mere paas maa hai’ sentiment these days may just result in a great big sigh of relief.  Seriously though, if learning on the job is a criterion, there’s not much out there that’s beyond parenthood.  Sink or swim people…this week, still afloat.  And that’s pretty much all I can say.  There’s still time though….it is only Thursday!

Have a good one!

Please do read this article and tell me why people are not asking these questions:

1.  In a country with 11 million children on the street (UNICEF’s estimate that is considered a conservative one), why are only around 6,200 children placed in adoption?

The 200 number in the article is presumably only Andhra Pradesh, which has also has a bad reputation in adoption circles for the number of scams, resulting in a shut down of all adoptions for months.

2.  Why are only 130 children legally cleared for adoption when there are a 1,000 couples waiting to be placed with a child?  What is the number of children waiting for legal clearance to be placed in adoption at the same time?

3.  When will we talk of the dirty secret – that there are children in government homes who aren’t ‘released’ to adoption agencies run by NGOs with CARA permission, regulation and monitoring (or placed in adoption by the government!)?  Do we mention that government funds are distributed to government homes, with a per head calculation?  Meaning 100 children in a home means more money coming to the home?  A scheme that incentivises wrong, maybe?

4.  What is surprising about ‘fat’ salaries of Rs. 50,000 a month?  Besides the fact that this number looks bigger on paper than on currency with today’s prices, isn’t it the Rs. 5,000 per month number that needs to be looked at with more surprise?  Plus with adoption definitely skewed towards the ‘fat’ter salaries, a family with Rs. 5,000 per month stands a chance only on paper to receive a child.

5.  Even when it is clear from this article that there is a need expressed by people to parent, what’s up with the ‘healthy’/charity thread running through the article?

6.  Are girl children really favoured when there are more girls available for placement in adoptive homes?

7.  Notice that the only important question asked in this article is a post script.  What is the government doing to ensure that more children are kept in the homes they are born in?

Articles like this discuss the issue a bit better – Daughters Unwanted.  In this context, let us note that a few people recognizing that women are people does not show a ‘healthy’ trend.  And that girl babies who actually make it to placement are those who survived when others were hunted in the womb or within hours of birth.

That we do what we’re supposed to does not require kudos.  That parents of daughters not yearning for a son is not ‘noble’.  It is normal!

Another awesome song is All About Your Heart.

Her bio is a lovely read, a tale of a family that prized music and travel, humour and hard work.  It is so heartwarming to read these stories of things going right.  The bullies existed, I am sure there were normal hitches in childhood, who knows maybe more that she’s been reticent about.

Clear that a perfectly happy life is not required to make perfect and happy songs?

This one is for my kids….when my daughter was really, really little, we’d say to her ‘reach for the stars’ and the little tyke in her shirt and diaper would reach her two hands as high as she could.  I hope they reach for the stars and I do hope they don’t forget who they are when they do!  They aren’t listening to Mindy though – they are growing up way too fast!

Have a wonderful almost weekend!  It is almost that time.  Already!  Life sure is an hourglass!

The word for me was ‘contribute’ in August 2008.  I was working on setting up financial systems in an NGO, bringing in what was regular and required but a leap ahead, meaning managing change and resistance to change, making incremental changes….important but not earth shaking at first sight.  Or even second.  Today, I’d like to think that the effect shows.  Contribute worked for then.

What about now?  So much has changed in both my external circumstances and internal space.  My horizons have shrunk to home in a literal sense but really deal with much farther in the future than before – children truly are the future, and I deal with the quality of their future.  Not scalable, no systems, no uniform rules, all about customization and absolutely making no financial sense! About as far away from my work before as possible, scarier than dealing with others’ funds is shaping others’ futures.

A few deaths in friends’ circles in 2011 got me thinking.  The state of relationships in general in families got me thinking.  What we have today is what we really have at all.  The memories we make today make childhoods.  The games we play are the stuff of nostalgia in far off tomorrows.  Kids are growing like reeds, we’re aging about as fast (actually faster but hey, being a bit more PC about those in my life! Of course, present company is excluded….I am only 25! ).

I am going aspirational this year….my word is ‘NOW’.  It shall be about the present moment (with some planning – being prepared and all) but much more significantly about being mindful in thought, word and deed in the current moment.

What’s your word?

G’night!